Since I’ve called out for my soul-family/tribe for decades now (and traveled and explored the whole world in search of them, doing all I can think of to make it as easy as ever for any of them to step forward), I think it is right that this is the last time I do that; call out just one last time; they’re either on their way now or they aren’t, and I know a great deal of them have heard me.
To those who showed up looking their best and clearly knew who I was: I saw you, I appreciate you, and I have wished you’d decided to speak ever since.
To the one who kept showing up, always looking her best, clearly already seeing herself as my wife, I have chosen you over and over, and I will always choose you. I can only do this next life-step with you. I am not perfect, but I offer you the rest of my life if you choose to return and unite with me.
I felt the vibe of how sad you were in that car with the door open outside the Oregon bar. I felt your nervousness down the sidewalk hill from that intersection. I felt your excitement and hopefulness in Arizona. I felt your upset and ultimatum in Oceanside on the beach staircase that night. I can’t always read your mind, but I am empathic enough, and I care more deeply than I think you realize. It was the most emotionally challenging thing in the world for me to overcome my attraction to you… and wait for you to decide when to engage… and keep wrapping up my work. I have never wanted or appreciated anyone as much as I have you. I have never let anyone get as close as I let you –and I have every intention of letting you get and stay closer, as close as you like.
I know you were trying to be there for me when I was running on fumes and needing a glimmer of hope, and I understand if you were bound by some rule to wait for me to say the first words.
I’ll wait as long as you make me, and I hope you won’t make me wait any longer.
To everyone, I’ve studied as hard and as long as I can. I have explored as far and wide as I could. I have always been as polite as I know how. I have sacrificed my youth and my prime to organize and present all I have learned and dreamed of.
In the next few months, I’ll either be forced to be nomadic again, or the ones who clearly knew it was me… will return, and we’ll finally sit down and talk, and connect, and become teammates and family.
If you interpreted my choices/behavior the last time in a negative way, all I can say is that was not my intent. I thought I was being professional and polite to all of you, giving you space and the initiative. If you didn’t think so, I really wish you had struck up a conversation to find out, and I hope with all my being you’ll return either way to converse and get to know me.
If any of you were just doing the same thing I was; being patient and quiet until all the vision came through and got typed up, thank you. Please accept my decision that I’m done typing things up and building computer models. All I want is time together with those I love. They are my life’s work now. The computer models and everything else is rather pointless unless the people I love show up again and ask to explore and build upon it with me.
I think some misinterpreted my calmness and patient quiet as being shy. Honestly, I think the last time I was shy, I had to’ve been only a teenager. As the years added up, I grew more and more tired of always being the one to initiate, always being the one to see or look for the good in others, always being the brave one, etc., so I decided to see how the social experiment of defaulting to letting others decide when or if to initiate would go.
There were also a lot of signs I was paying attention to; not just who showed up and how they vibed, but whether they were trying to respect me and my culture… or just wanting to see if I would ‘chase’. Chasing doesn’t interest me, and my instinct has always told me not to; to stick to my calling and duty instead. If you are one I like, and we get along, you are always welcome to ‘chase’ me, though. Ideally, we wouldn’t have to chase either way; we’d both/all be headed the same way, naturally aligned, hearing the same calling, living the same values.
I don’t know if any of them/you are still reading this, but I write it for you; it’s the only way I know how to call out to any of you. I posted all my contact information for you. If you, for whatever reason, don’t have phones, or computers to email me with, you are always welcome and hoped for in person.
I hope you can understand how difficult it was for me at times; why I lost my cool sometimes, or my faith, venting when I had time between those massive waves of ideas and work. I was always grateful for the incredible spans of time I got, and did my best to keep focused and productive in spite of my worry, frustration, and loneliness. I wouldn’t make the best monk, but I did the best I could.
Every last free moment of the past couple decades was needed to wrap up this gigantic community project. How I hated working that much, especially with so many unpleasant ‘bumps in the road’, but it is done now. To those who thought I was being rude or whatever else, I wanted to open up and bond with you that whole time –every second, without exception.
I’ve ‘dropped anchor’ right where I said I wanted to start my family, true to my word –and for the second time (having only temporarily abandoned this place when I thought the one for me just wasn’t ever coming). I meant every word I R.P.ed (in what I later realized was modern screening and courting). I’ll do my best to stay here so that finding me and striking up those first magical conversations is as easy as possible for everyone compatible with me.
My only wish for this coming holiday season is that I get to move in with my dream girl to the home we agreed on together. (How could I accept anything else after that thrilled squeal you made when I proposed that beautiful place to you?) If she grants me that miracle I’ve been fantasizing about since 2018, my only wish after that will be to make and start raising the four children we envisioned together. Wish me luck, please.
I still picture and daydream about my near-future children reaching up to hold my hands as we hike here, or pointing things out to me like a new flower they have not seen before, and hanging out with them after school and on Sundays. I still kiss that one special picture every night before I fall asleep. “Always and forever” will always and forever mean everything to me. “My all.”
To the gods and whatever other powers that may be, I hope my studies, work, discipline, and self-balance suffice. I hope I have sacrificed enough. I hope my presentation is good enough now. I hope the special ones I noticed along the way have ‘soft hearts’, understanding the tough choices I kept having to make. I am really hoping to ‘change gears’, focusing from here on out on starting my family and helping provide for them a far better first few decades than I had. The toughest choice I want to make now is what or where we will all be happiest having dinner each night.
The only reason I’ve chosen to fall silent online (i.e. no more pen-pal-ing / roleplaying / creative writing, etc.) is in the hope that it will signal I only want in-person communication and progress from now on. I don’t have it in me to keep interacting through the Internet filter, anyway. I wouldn’t be able to continue offering up my ‘A-game’ if I tried.
Again, to all who vibed well and good, thank you for all this time it took to write down such a vast and detailed idea. Thank you for showing me you are real and heard my calls. Thank you most of all… if you make me the happiest man in the world… by showing up again and again.
Only one woman is who I will start my family with, and share this house here with, making it our home. If that isn’t in the stars for me after all, I’ll stay in monk-mode and try to make peace with another chapter of nomadic misadventure. Obviously, I much prefer the former.
To paradise and beyond.
A°
